Some Heavy Stuff to Start your Thursday


Hope you are all having a fabulous day.

On the blog one of my goals is to make sure I write about topics which are relevant to what I am currently doing during my life. I also obviously like to talk about the positive changes which I make in my life (i.e working out, healthy recipes…)

With the holidays coming around it can be a very stressful time for most people and not the most wonderful time of the year. Stress can arise from financial, family, or addictive issues.

I have never talked about this on the blog, but I thought it was important to address due to the fact that this time of year was not the most wonderful time of year for me for a long time.

Starting my senior year of high school and continuing into my freshman year of college I started to lose some weight. It was innocent at first and something that was okay because I had some weight to lose. The farther I got into my studies the more weight I started to lose because I was so stressed out and I realized that weight was the one thing I could control.

By the end of my freshmen year of college I had  a full on eating disorder.

  • Counting calories, eating 800-1000 a day
  • Needing to eat at certain times
  • Exercising 2-2.5 hours a day

These were just a few of the rules that I had to follow. I had journals upon journals were I was keeping track of these calories and where I would write my rules and other ideas to make sure I was still losing that weight.

This is during my sophomore year of college and I was still trying to lose weight...

This is during my sophomore year of college and I was still trying to lose weight…

The summer after my freshman year was when my family and friends started to notice that something was up, my mood was changing, I was very ridged in my routine, not happy, very controlling and I am sure many more things.

This is when my mom stepped in and decided to take me to a therapist. Heather was the best thing that ever happened to me during this phase. I went to her for 3 years and during this time she also put me in contact with a nutritionist and a personal eating disorder doctor.

Then the nutritionist put me on a eating plan which had me check off a food group when I would eat a certain food group. However the group soon realized this type of plan was not suitable for me when I lived for counting calories and this plan was kind of the same thing. So I moved to a more of a personal plan of taking pictures of my food and emailing my nutritionist and then she would let me know what else I had to eat that day. This was a lot of work but it really really helped me.

The last picture that was taken because my mom thought I was looking too bad for photos...

The last picture that was taken because my mom thought I was looking too bad for photos…

The eating disorder doctor would take blood samples every few weeks and relay to me what certain numbers I was hitting and what would happen to my body internally if I was not hitting certain numbers. He was always someone I was scared to death to go to!

By my junior year of college I was finally getting better and taking care of myself. And then I relapsed.

Relapsing is so great at the time but totally hurt me in the long run. I was not going to therapy and was just rebelling against everyone and everything. I felt I was finally in control again and able to do whatever I wanted without “professionals” helping me.

I was gaining weight and did not like what I was seeing in the mirror. I never really liked what I saw in the mirror but this time around I really didn’t like the changes because I was seeing myself as “fatter”, before I was just “fat” in the mirror but now that I was getting fatter I was blaming it on everyone who was trying to help me.

I remember telling my therapist I never saw my self skinny, even when I was weighing about 105  pounds I was never able to see this. I can see it now in pictures but eating disorders do crazy things to your mind and you see yourself so much different when you are going through this illness.

During my relapse... I had gained some weight and this also contributed to my relapse...

During my relapse… I had gained some weight and this also contributed to my relapse…

I finally got back on track with therapy and I decided that I had to stick with the therapy in order to feel better and get better. By my senior year I was feeling so much better and I was hardly going to therapy! Then one day I stumbled upon some healthy living blogs. These blogs changed my life, I saw powerful women eating and working out and not having a disorder. This rocked my world.

I credit a lot of why it finally clicked with me to these blogs. I thank them from the bottom of my heart, they will never ever know how much they truly helped me!

Okay, so why I am talking about this? Well the holidays brought about my relapse. I saw all this food and freaked out, I would binge, binge, binge and then workout/ get sick in order to rid this holiday food from my body. My relapse was not anorexia (which was what I was classified as), but more of that binge/ purge which is pretty common in eating disorders.

This time of year a few years ago I would have been having anxiety attacks and issues with going out with friends and family. Now I am looking forward to these meetings. I still have my tricks (bring my own food and drinks if we are at a house, everyone knows about my issues so they are always 100% okay with this).

I feel eating disorders never go away. I still have my issues…

  • I have to eat at certain times
  • I can’t eat before a certain hour (12 for lunch and 6 for dinner and no later than 8 for breakfast)

But I am working on it. This rules list went from over 50 rules to now 2 so I feel pretty good about this.

This post is a just a glimpse into my struggle with food and I’m hoping in the future to write more about what I have gone through.

Doing so much better!

Doing so much better!

Thank you all for reading and I really appreciate your support!

12 thoughts on “Some Heavy Stuff to Start your Thursday

  1. It sounds like you really are doing well now, especially since you seem to recognize all the different stages one can be in with eating disorders. I am glad you had a supporting family to help you through it~ keep working at it, you’re doing great!

  2. Thanks for opening up on such a personal subject. I’m glad you are doing so much better, and for what it’s worth, you really do look fantastic! I’m glad you had so many friends and family that care and didn’t just let you do what you wanted.

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