Hope you are all having a fabulous day.
On the blog one of my goals is to make sure I write about topics which are relevant to what I am currently doing during my life. I also obviously like to talk about the positive changes which I make in my life (i.e working out, healthy recipes…)
With the holidays coming around it can be a very stressful time for most people and not the most wonderful time of the year. Stress can arise from financial, family, or addictive issues.
I have never talked about this on the blog, but I thought it was important to address due to the fact that this time of year was not the most wonderful time of year for me for a long time.
Starting my senior year of high school and continuing into my freshman year of college I started to lose some weight. It was innocent at first and something that was okay because I had some weight to lose. The farther I got into my studies the more weight I started to lose because I was so stressed out and I realized that weight was the one thing I could control.
By the end of my freshmen year of college I had a full on eating disorder.
- Counting calories, eating 800-1000 a day
- Needing to eat at certain times
- Exercising 2-2.5 hours a day
These were just a few of the rules that I had to follow. I had journals upon journals were I was keeping track of these calories and where I would write my rules and other ideas to make sure I was still losing that weight.
The summer after my freshman year was when my family and friends started to notice that something was up, my mood was changing, I was very ridged in my routine, not happy, very controlling and I am sure many more things.
This is when my mom stepped in and decided to take me to a therapist. Heather was the best thing that ever happened to me during this phase. I went to her for 3 years and during this time she also put me in contact with a nutritionist and a personal eating disorder doctor.
Then the nutritionist put me on a eating plan which had me check off a food group when I would eat a certain food group. However the group soon realized this type of plan was not suitable for me when I lived for counting calories and this plan was kind of the same thing. So I moved to a more of a personal plan of taking pictures of my food and emailing my nutritionist and then she would let me know what else I had to eat that day. This was a lot of work but it really really helped me.
The eating disorder doctor would take blood samples every few weeks and relay to me what certain numbers I was hitting and what would happen to my body internally if I was not hitting certain numbers. He was always someone I was scared to death to go to!
By my junior year of college I was finally getting better and taking care of myself. And then I relapsed.
Relapsing is so great at the time but totally hurt me in the long run. I was not going to therapy and was just rebelling against everyone and everything. I felt I was finally in control again and able to do whatever I wanted without “professionals” helping me.
I was gaining weight and did not like what I was seeing in the mirror. I never really liked what I saw in the mirror but this time around I really didn’t like the changes because I was seeing myself as “fatter”, before I was just “fat” in the mirror but now that I was getting fatter I was blaming it on everyone who was trying to help me.
I remember telling my therapist I never saw my self skinny, even when I was weighing about 105 pounds I was never able to see this. I can see it now in pictures but eating disorders do crazy things to your mind and you see yourself so much different when you are going through this illness.
I finally got back on track with therapy and I decided that I had to stick with the therapy in order to feel better and get better. By my senior year I was feeling so much better and I was hardly going to therapy! Then one day I stumbled upon some healthy living blogs. These blogs changed my life, I saw powerful women eating and working out and not having a disorder. This rocked my world.
I credit a lot of why it finally clicked with me to these blogs. I thank them from the bottom of my heart, they will never ever know how much they truly helped me!
Okay, so why I am talking about this? Well the holidays brought about my relapse. I saw all this food and freaked out, I would binge, binge, binge and then workout/ get sick in order to rid this holiday food from my body. My relapse was not anorexia (which was what I was classified as), but more of that binge/ purge which is pretty common in eating disorders.
This time of year a few years ago I would have been having anxiety attacks and issues with going out with friends and family. Now I am looking forward to these meetings. I still have my tricks (bring my own food and drinks if we are at a house, everyone knows about my issues so they are always 100% okay with this).
I feel eating disorders never go away. I still have my issues…
- I have to eat at certain times
- I can’t eat before a certain hour (12 for lunch and 6 for dinner and no later than 8 for breakfast)
But I am working on it. This rules list went from over 50 rules to now 2 so I feel pretty good about this.
This post is a just a glimpse into my struggle with food and I’m hoping in the future to write more about what I have gone through.
Thank you all for reading and I really appreciate your support!